Body Swap
by Aileen-Snape
Summary: Wackiness ensues when something happens to the boy-who-lived and the boy-the-Gryffindors-love-to-hate. Something that no one couldn't have predicted. One-shot crack fic


Title: Body Swap  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing! My sister and I were joking around with this idea and I finally wrote it down. JKR owns everything Harry Potter and someone hold's rights to the other characters that we've claimed.  
  
Timeline: This is set during the duel scene between Harry and Draco in book 2. It's going to be AU from here on out.  
  
Author's Note: Welcome to our insanity! Buwahahahahahahahahahahah!!!  
  
&&&  
  
"Scared Potter?" Draco Malfoy sneered at the twelve year old in front of him. They stood with their wands in front of their faces. There was about a five-foot gap between the two.  
  
"Actually, seeing as I'm not in my body, nor am I where I once was, I'd have to say yes." Harry replied eyes darting around the room. "I'm terrified."  
  
The blonde's stance feel at the admission before his wand fell towards the ground. The sound of the wand hitting the ground was so soft it was nearly drowned out by the collective gasps.  
  
Harry bent down, picking up the boy's wand and started, "You dropped –" He flinched as the blond jumped into fighting stance, stopping short of hitting his face.  
  
The first thing the blond noticed was daylight and then the clothing. "I can't fight in a long dress." He started. "I don't care how roomy it is."  
  
"I'm sorry, I just wanted to give you back your stick." The boy with messy hair said. "Don't hurt me!"  
  
The blond slowly dropped his stance looking at the emerald-eyed boy. "Hey Harry, you're not afraid of Malfoy." Someone yelled.  
  
"Take him out!" Another yelled.  
  
"Actually, I am." 'Harry' replied. "Look at him, he's going to hit me." He added frantically gesturing. "I...why are all of you looking at me? I don't do the center of attention thing. I'm not Cordelia."  
  
'Malfoy' snorted humorously thinking, only Willow could babble like that. "Hey Will."  
  
"Faith?"  
  
"What's up?" 'Malfoy' smirked.  
  
"Ummm, we are." 'Harry' replied causing them both to look around the large room.  
  
"And look they're all staring at us." 'Malfoy's' smirk grew bigger. "Or maybe it's just your hair that they find soooo fascinating. Oh great, I just channeled Cordy with that comment."  
  
'Harry' snorted. "Look who's talking." He said, taking off his glasses and passing them over. "WHOA!" He stumbled, falling over.  
  
"Good Merlyn above what is on my head?" 'Malfoy' inquired, eyes wide with shock and disgust. "A helmet?"  
  
"A little help here." 'Harry's' voice was muffled from smashing his face into the table. "I seem to be slightly my-optic."  
  
"Oh, sorry about luv." 'Malfoy' helped 'Harry' up. "And what am I saying? I know I can be incoherent, but this is bloody ridiculous." He added placing the glasses on 'Harry's' face.  
  
"Malfoy, you're going to have to wash forever to wash that Gryffindor slime off you." Someone shouted.  
  
"I think you're speaking Giles." 'Harry' replied.  
  
"Good Merlyn we've gone British." 'Malfoy' muttered. "Could you do something about this...thing?" He gestured towards his head.  
  
"What? I think you're eyes are lovely."  
  
"Not the eyes." 'Malfoy' retorted rolling his gray orbs. "Though it's nice to know you agree, but the hair. It's just...words could not describe how bloody imbecilic I feel like this."  
  
"Oh. Can't you run your hands through it?" 'Harry' inquired.  
  
"No." 'Malfoy' said after trying to mess up the hair. "It appears to be shellacked into place."  
  
"Oooh, five Knut word." 'Harry' laughed, though there was a peculiar look on his face. "I didn't know you so intelligent, or maybe it's the sex change."  
  
"Taking Queen C lessons?" 'Malfoy' retorted. "Don't make me reveal the deep dark secret of your middle name." Not even a second later, his hair fell freely about his face.  
  
"I've had just about enough of this...joke." A new voice, soft and silky, interrupted their conversation. He remained impassive even after Potter's display of wandless magic. "Mr. Potter, return Mr. Malfoy to his rightful self. Immediately."  
  
'Harry' flinched at the implied threat. "I didn't do anything!" 'Harry' squeaked.  
  
"Where ever there is trouble, a Potter is the cause." The man retorted, his voice never rising above a deadly whisper.  
  
"If you weren't breathing, I'd swear you were a vampire." 'Malfoy' commented, turning to face the dark man behind her.  
  
"But, I really didn't do anything this time!"  
  
"Will, what'd you do before?"  
  
"Nothing! That's what I've been telling him. Giles doesn't let me do unsupervised magic since I blew out the power, restored Angel's soul, and went to hell. Which is neither here nor there, the point is I didn't do this! I was just preparing to teach a computer class and go to bed." 'Harry' practically whined.  
  
"Breath Will." 'Malfoy' said placing a companionable arm around his shoulders. "You're British now." He smirked. "Act like it."  
  
"Oh you're making this a bloody good show, aren't you?" 'Harry' hissed back. "Bloody git."  
  
"Good one Will." 'Malfoy's' smirk got bigger. "My little Willow is growing up." He added wiping away a fake tear.  
  
"Besides he's not picking on you, Faith." 'Harry' retorted pushing the blond away from her.  
  
"Mr. Potter –"  
  
"Oh Severus." A different voice interrupted from behind 'Harry'. "It isn't his fault. I feared this might happen, too much exposure of my blinding glory and brilliance. It was just too much for their minds."  
  
"Check out the narcissistic pigeon." 'Harry' muttered.  
  
"I was about to say fruitcake." 'Malfoy' mused. "But narcissistic works."  
  
"What are you prattling on about now, Lockhart?" The dark man sneered. "And don't call me Severus. It's Professor Snape."  
  
"Well, obviously, Severus...my dear Severus, it's me." Lockhart explained ignoring the direct order. "It's my greatness. I was worried when your Headmaster approached me about the job, but I didn't expect it to take this form of madness." He continued approaching the two boys. "Dear, dear children." He added putting his arms around them ignoring the fact that they were both trying to get away. "I'm sorry to have damaged your fragile psyches."  
  
"Please, don't touch me." 'Malfoy' stated lowly.  
  
"No, don't beg. I know you want me to stay." Lockhart cried softly. "But I can't stay."  
  
"You can't go fast enough." Professor Snape muttered resisting the urge to be juvenile and gag.  
  
"As usual you are right, Severus." Lockhart stated heading towards the door. "I cannot risk further psychoses with the children because of my shear wonderfulness. I shall inform the Headmaster of this situation. You should stay here and protect the children."  
  
"Professor Lockhart!" A heartbroken girl's voice called out. In her hand she held up his elaborately designed cloak.  
  
"No, no." Lockhart gestured grandly. "Keep it, as a memento of your brush with the divine."  
  
Then he was gone and silence rang through the room until you heard. "And I thought Kakistos was scary."  
  
"He was."  
  
"No, no." 'Malfoy' denied. "Kakistos was normal, that was bloody scary." He added gesturing towards the door where...Professor Lockhart had been.  
  
"You know, Hermione." Ron whispered. "Maybe this isn't such a bad thing."  
  
"How can you say that?" Hermione cried softly. "We've lost the genius that is Professor Lockhart."  
  
Ron, not knowing what to say, stayed silent patting the brunette witch awkwardly.  
  
"Back to the matter at hand." Professor Snape's voice drawled. "Mr. Potter, this has ceased to be amusing so desist whatever it is you've done to my student."  
  
"What? Willow isn't your student?" 'Malfoy' shot back. "What's with the hissing?" He asked feeling Willow jump beside him.  
  
"It's not hissing!" 'Harry' whispered frantically. "It's saying it wants to kill, to feed, to suck the populous dry."  
  
"It's not a vamp, Will." 'Malfoy' retorted. "And how come you can understand the hissing?"  
  
"Because it's not hissing!" 'Harry' cried out. "You're the slayer, do something!"  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"I don't know, I'm not your watcher." 'Harry' retorted. "Just do something."  
  
"Oh right. Sure. I'll get right on that." 'Malfoy' sneered.  
  
"You do that."  
  
"Fine, point me in the right direction and give me a weapon, Will." He snarked at his companion.  
  
"We had this discussion. Not your watcher." 'Harry' glared.  
  
"With all the orders you're surely not convincing me that you're not a watcher."  
  
"Hello students." An older voice replied. "Professor Lockhart informs me that there's some trouble in here."  
  
"Make it stop!" 'Harry' cried loudly, rocking on his knees.  
  
"Will!" 'Malfoy' barked joining him on the ground. "It's okay, whatever this is, we'll find and kill it."  
  
"Easy for you to say." 'Harry's' muffled voice sounded pained. "You're not hearing it."  
  
"I'm hearing the hissing, that's close enough."  
  
"It's not hissing...CUT IT OUT!" 'Harry' shrieked finally losing it.  
  
"Dude!" 'Malfoy' exclaimed. "Speak British, American...I don't care, just stop hissing!"  
  
"But I'm not!" 'Harry' denied. "I was talking clearly."  
  
"You so weren't talking clearly."  
  
"Was too."  
  
"Wasn't."  
  
"Too."  
  
"Not."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"No."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"No."  
  
"Hissing? How's that possible? Human, not snake!"  
  
"I don't know!" 'Malfoy' hissed. "Slayer, not watcher. While Giles isn't here, that's your job. Miss. I'm ordering you to find whatever is hissing and stop it."  
  
"It's not hissing."  
  
"QUIET!" A voice exclaimed, causing both boys to look up at the speaker, a little frightened. "This game has gone on far too long to continue to be a source of amusement. Mr. Potter, end this now."  
  
"I think we made him mad Will." 'Malfoy' whispered softly.  
  
"You didn't make him mad. I did." 'Harry' whispered back. "And he was mad at me before."  
  
"What did you do?"  
  
"Apparently I exist and that's all he needs."  
  
"Now Severus, we don't know what happened. It can't all be Mr. Potter's fault." Headmaster Dumbledore soothed. "Mr. Malfoy, Mr. Potter, would you be so kind as to tell me what happened?"  
  
The boys looked at each other, 'Harry' silently telling 'Malfoy' to go ahead and tell him. "Well, I don't know, I was interrupted while patrolling. Willow?"  
  
"No anything I say, Professor Snape, gets mad at me." 'Harry' said softly. "I don't think he likes me very much."  
  
"Neither does Snider, but you work for him." 'Malfoy' mused.  
  
"That's only until he gets a new teacher."  
  
"You still believe that?"  
  
"Now Mr. Potter, I'm sure whatever you say Severus won't object." He knelt down beside them.  
  
Oh Merlyn, don't let him twinkle at them. I don't think I could handle any more babble and we'll never get out of here if Potter starts, Severus thought dryly. Never pegged him as a babbler though, he internally laughed.  
  
"Well..." And Willow told him everything that they knew, with Faith offering any 'helpful' information.  
  
"That was the most preposterous piece of rubbish I have yet to hear."  
  
"You mean we beat out Lockhart? I honestly thought that award would have gone to Lockhart." 'Malfoy' quipped.  
  
"Professor." Headmaster Dumbledore reminded absently. "There is a way to test this story." He began taking a deep breath.  
  
"Headmaster, what are we going to do? Professor Lockhart has left, claiming that his mere presence has adversely affected two of our students." The voice commented sarcastically.  
  
"Yes I know, Minerva." Albus replied kindly as she moved through the crowds.  
  
Her eyes narrowed upon seeing Harry Potter practically asleep on Draco Malfoy's shoulder. "What has Mr. Malfoy done to my student?"  
  
"I think the better question is, what has Mr. Potter done to MY student." Severus sneered.  
  
"Mr. Potter wouldn't ever do this." Minerva retorted.  
  
"Mr. Potter has access to wandless magic." Severus shot back. "He's also a parseltongue."  
  
"You're lying." She flatly denied.  
  
With a smirk Severus said, "Ask the students, they'll back up my claim. We all heard him."  
  
"Mr. Weasley, Miss. Granger, is this true?" Minerva questioned the two best friends of Harry.  
  
"Which part?" Hermione questioned exchanging a nervous look with Ron.  
  
"Any of it."  
  
"Well he did mess up Malfoy's hair without his wand. And he seemingly hissing yelled at something we couldn't hear." Hermione answered.  
  
"But Malfoy heard it too." Ron added.  
  
"Severus, go get the sorting hat." Albus said coming to the conclusion that something was wrong with the scenario. "If there's any truth to this, the hat will tell us."  
  
Grudgingly Severus nodded and exited the room with a swift billow of his robes.  
  
"That's wicked cool. I really should learn how to do that." 'Malfoy' commented noticing that Willow had gone to sleep.  
  
"Who's dis Boldemort?" Suddenly 'Harry' muttered sleepily. "No dats not right. Boldie? Moldie? Coldie? Voldie-smores? That's right Voldemort."  
  
"Why, Will?" 'Malfoy' questioned, wondering how he got 'Voldemort' from 'Voldie-smores'.  
  
"Someone's screaming it's all Boldiesport's fault." He muttered.  
  
"I thought it was Voldemort." 'Malfoy' corrected amused at both the shocked looks and Willow's mutterings.  
  
"Him." He slurred. "Don't warn da tadpoles. I sleepy now." He muttered before looking up suddenly. "You won't warn da tadpoles, right?"  
  
Chuckling softly, 'Malfoy' promised, "No. I won't warn the tadpoles."  
  
"Good slayer." 'Harry' slurred yawning slightly. "I nighty night now." He added patting his arm before falling deeply into sleep.  
  
"You do that, watcher-girl." 'Malfoy' teased the already dead to the world ex-redhead. "They either explode to dust or fall asleep before my funniest lines." He muttered humorously.  
  
"What are you going to do?" Minerva inquired.  
  
"Yeah, what are you going to do?" 'Malfoy' echoed.  
  
"The sorting hat will be able to discern your real selves, no matter what the outer looks like."  
  
"How?" 'Malfoy' asked curiously.  
  
"I shall place it on your head, and it'll do the rest."  
  
His reply was doubtful, but Faith was willing to do anything to get back to herself. "Cool."  
  
"Let's get this over with." Severus entered the room and passed the hat over. "Here's the hat."  
  
"Thank you, dear boy." Albus accepted it. "Sorting Hat, we have problem only you can solve. Do your best." He said placing it on the blonde first.  
  
'Well what do we have here?' The hat whispered.  
  
'Whoa, don't do that.' Faith thought. 'That's just creepy not to mention wrong.'  
  
'It's what I do, Slayer.'  
  
'Excellent! You know who I am, mind telling them? They don't believe us and while I look like a liar Willow isn't.'  
  
'Yes, your friend.' The hat mused. 'I'll get to her soon enough. My job is to sort into houses not give names.'  
  
'Houses?' Faith queried. 'I just want to get my body back.'  
  
'You will.' The hat assured her. 'The sorting will take care of that because a Malfoy would never end up in..."Hufflepuff!"  
  
At this news, Severus stumbled momentarily, it went unnoticed as the students exploded into chaos.  
  
As the hat was lifted the youth heard someone say, "You're telling his father that his son is no longer at home in his body."  
  
"Calm down, Severus." Albus soothed before calming the rest of the room with a raised hand. "Students, please contain yourselves, there is no cause for alarm. So Mr. Malfoy is indeed this...Faith, I believe your name was."  
  
"Is, Headmaster." Faith remarked. "So you believe us?"  
  
"That you are the slayer?"  
  
"That among other things." Faith shrugged.  
  
"Of you, I have no doubt." Albus responded twinkling a bit. "Mr. Potter on the other hand, I'm not quite sure of."  
  
"Oh, that's Willow."  
  
"So you say."  
  
"Severus." Albus warned stopping Faith from saying anything. "Hold his head up so that we may test his claim."  
  
With a roll of her eyes, Faith did as requested and watched as the hat was put on the sleeping 'boy's' head.  
  
'Miss. Rosenberg, care to wake up while I talk to you?'  
  
'No.'  
  
'Ah, you're going to be as difficult to sort as the body you inhabit.' The hat mused.  
  
'Shush. No more talkie, talkie. Shush.' She added for good measure.  
  
'No help from you.' The hat said. 'Hope you don't mind as I sort through your memories.' It replied.  
  
'Knocked yourself out.' Her mental voice slurred. 'Sleepies here.'  
  
'Enchanting.' It dryly said. 'So you've got brains.'  
  
'Mushy, slushy, gushy brainie wanies.' She rhymed. 'No gets dates cause my brainies scaries peoples.'  
  
'Well you've got quite the vocabulary.' The hat sounded like it was trying not to laugh. 'I suppose there's only one fitting place for you.'  
  
'The lellmouthhhhh.'  
  
'We don't have a house called that. You'll have to make due with..."Ravenclaw!"  
  
"Oh Merlyn, the world will end now that Harry Potter has been sorted into Ravenclaw." Severus muttered softly from the corner he retreated to so that he couldn't be seen.  
  
"Severus, dear boy, where are you?" Albus called. "You need to get Professor's Sprout and Flitwick because they have new students for their houses."  
  
"Sleepie, sleepie." Muttered Willow hanging onto the hat as Albus tried to take it back. "No takie hat, telling nice tories."  
  
"But I need the hat."  
  
"Meanie bearded guy." Willow pouted relinquishing hold over the hat. "Takie, taking my tory teller."  
  
"Willow!" Faith laughed. "Sleep, Red...ex-Red."  
  
"No likie my hair." Willow slurred. "He tookie my hair." She added pointing at Ron. "Give it backed."  
  
"Down Will." Faith said not allowing Willow to fall forward and hurt herself or him.  
  
"But it's my hair." She protested. "Not his. Miiiiiiinnnnnnnnneeeeeee." She emphasized.  
  
"Just change it yourself, Will." Faith retorted. "You did mine." She added causing Willow to look up at her.  
  
"Tay." Willow waved her hand over her hair and to the shock of Minerva the hair took on the familiar shade of Lily Evans-Potter. "I happy now. I gots me hair back."  
  
"Nice, I can call you Red again." Faith smirked. "Uhh, what did the hat mean about the houses?"  
  
"This is a school for magic, and you're sorted into houses that become your family while you're here."  
  
"Uh, I'm a slayer. No Willow type magic in me." Faith stated.  
  
"Not many are gifted with Miss. Willow's abilities." Severus returned with the two professors.  
  
"I don't understand, Headmaster, that's Mr. Malfoy and Mr. Potter. They aren't new."  
  
"Oh yes they are." Severus corrected, pointing to each and adding, "Those would be the Misses, Willow and Faith."  
  
"Which one do I get?" Professor Sprout asked deciding to be sensible.  
  
"Miss. Faith."  
  
"So I'd get Harry...I mean Miss. Willow?" Flitwick guessed.  
  
"What a way to state the obvious." Professor Snape's comment was covered by Willow's excited words.  
  
"Ohhhhh, wave your stickie thingie and say Lumos."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Well, it...if we're in the wizarding world and they're shocked by my wooie, wooie magicy stuff. So these must be...must be...wandies like fairy bobmothers have...fairy godpeople have. You know they have wingies and they go woooie wooie with the cursing and blessings and the happiest eber afterings."  
  
"I like you better when you were sleeping." Faith muttered jokingly.  
  
"I'd being serbious." Willow pouted then perked up again. "Now wavie, wavie your wandie stickie thing and say lumos."  
  
"Alright, Will." Faith shrugged deciding to humor her. Waving the 'wandie stickie thing' she said, "Lumos." Flames shot out of Faith's wand and set fire to the closest banner.  
  
"Flame butyeful." Willow breathed giggling. "But it only supposed to make little tinkly lights...like Tinkly Bell. You know, Peder Pand and losted boys and the sparklies dustie that 'llows yus go...woohoo shuwoosh, shwoosh."  
  
"Um, I don't believe you need any pixie dust do that, Will." Faith mused eyeing the banner. "Uh, someone wanna put that out?"  
  
"Tay!" Willow replied as Severus rushed towards the platform. "Out!" She said just as Snape reached them causing the flames to vanish. "Oh, that no looks so nicie. Fix." She smiled drunkenly causing the banner to fix itself nicely. "All betters, now don'ts you feels pertyful?"  
  
"Would you not do that? That is most disturbing." Severus remarked.  
  
Faith snorted at Snape's reaction before asking, "Is there someplace she can crash? She's starting to scare me."  
  
"No meaning scarie." Willow replied sorrowful. "I makes you feels alls smilie."  
  
"No, that's okay." Faith politely declined. "All I need is a good nights sleep, and believe me Will, that wasn't a request." She added the last part seeing her companion raise her hands.  
  
The End  
  
Or is it??? 


End file.
